I love cheese. I started in food when I walked into a cheese monger in the early '00s, and said "I don't know anything about cheese, except I love it. I'll do all the heavy lifting and take out the garbage if you'll teach me what you know." And that's how my cheese education began.
Often I am asked how to make a good cheese board. So here you go, step by step.
1. Select the platter. This gnarly looking platter is actually an old side table I found at a garage sale. I ripped off the legs, bent the old nails, and painted it with a food grade sealant. Fancy! Find the center and lay down an anchor of grapes. Everything rotates from there.
2. Select the cheese. I believe you should always have an odd number. It arranges prettier that way. Sometimes I'll do a single cheese on a board, so I can highlight it. Or I'll do up to seven cheeses. If that feels right. Get a variety of milk (goat, sheep, cow) and texture (fresh + creamy, semi hard + sliceable, hard + crumbly). For a basic platter I recommend: 1 creamy (fresh goat or a Brie), 1 sliceable (Ossay Irati or Beecher's Cheddar), 1 Bleu (as stinky as your guests can handle).
I leave on the labels while I adjust them around, and then remove the plastic just before my guests arrive and I'm placing the serving pieces. This is helpful if you don't know your cheeses and might forget which sign goes with which cheese.
3. Charcuterie. Arrange your charcuterie opposite your cheeses. Slice it, fan it, overlap it.
4. Accompaniment. I love a straight hunk of English style cheddar or a cracker. But what I love more is it slathered with a generous dollop of apple or pear butter. If I want guests to pair certain spreads together, I'll arrange them on the platter, and make a note of it ("Try me with the bleu, we were made for each other") Other great options: a wedge of honeycomb or jalapeño jam.
5. Nuts and Olives. Super classy. You've got to make sure you have plenty of crunchy bits to eat with the cheese. Especially if guests are drinking cocktails. I always make rosemary spiced pecans and masala cashews. I'll share the recipe sometime. Always have extra on the side so you can put a bowl out by the cocktail bar.
6. Crackers + Bread. All this cheese is great, but you need a vehicle to eat it on. I like a combination of soft bread and crispy crackers. I'm not a fan of crostini on a cheese platter, because I want a big hunk of chewy bread instead.
7. Fruit. Ok, now you've got this beautiful spread, but you've got a lot of holes. It's time to fill it with fruit. I start with some nice dried fruits, like apricots or some of the plums I dried from the tree this summer. Slice up apples and pears (I wait until the end for this, so they look fresh). Next dump a container of blueberries and raspberries over the top.
8. Serving Utensils + Signs. Everytime I drop something off at Goodwill I run in and collect new butter knives. That way I've always got the right spreader for my cheeses. Give each cheese and spread its own utensil. Sure, when your guests get drunk they'll mix them all up, but at least for the beginning you'll know the stinky bleu knife won't touch the piave. Don't forget separate utensils for any honey, and olives. If you'd like tongs for the meats you can place those out as well, but I often find guests don't use them and they get in the way. Finally, place your signs so guests know what cheeses you have, either individual signs, or a list.
9. Now that it is perfect, mess it up. I used to spend a lot of effort on my courses, and no one would eat them until late in the evening. I always thought it was because they didn't like it. Then someone said to me "oh, it's too pretty to eat, I don't want to ruin it." This isn't a Dutch still life, meant to be observed but not devoured. So, I chop a hunk off the Gouda, eat a generous slice of the cheddar, and scoop into the jam. Then the guests know it's time for them to enjoy it too.
And then, always, find someone with super groovy flamingo wallpaper so you can take a picture.
